Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Weeks 5 and 6 Postpartum: Soon To Be Free

These last couple of weeks post pregnancy are the worst.  In a sense one feels as if she should be back to her usual self.  It would be nice to have the household under control again.  Meal planning is in complete chaos partly because there has been no order to how meals were done the last month.  I am so blessed that things like meal train are there.  Thank you to all my friends who brought us a wonderful meal.  It helped the family out so much.  Let's also say that cleaning up the house has been a task to task and day to day experience.  I finally cleaned my kitchen floor for the first time in about five weeks.  Bathrooms are getting cleaned when I cannot stand the sight of them (around every 1 and half to 2 weeks) instead of once a week.  Laundry is a daily task and with double the diapers this has to get done.  I have around two to four loads of laundry everyday...one of these is always diapers.

Speaking of diapers, having such a big little one has made me think twice about homemade diapers.  If it was not so much fun, I would be frustrated that little Bria has already grown out of all of them in five weeks.  Some of the covers still fit, but lets face it, newborns grow fast.  Now I am trying to find some time to make some new diapers.  Beware that if one starts to make cloth diapers it is way too addictive.  I love picking out the colors and trying to make my own patterns.  You know you have a problem when you are scouting out your house for old fabric and picturing it as a diaper!  It is just so much fun...fashion that is practical and even a form of recycling.  I just love it.  My new diapers will be is fall colors, even though it is almost winter.  I got PUL in burnt orange, moss green, and my favorite plum (for something a bit baby girl).  I am still focused on gender neutral colors because there is that chance we will have another baby.

I still think in terms of what will I need to keep for the the next one--baby that is.  Even though we have five it is hard to imagine no more.  In my mind I have always thought six kids would be perfect, but in reality who gives birth that many times?  Now that I am almost there my thoughts are, what happens when I have six kids.  How are we going to make it with five kids?  God always has a plan and provides for us, but it does not mean that we have everything together.

This had been one of the hardest transitions yet.  It is equivalent to having our first child in a lot of ways.  I feel like our finances are stretched in ways that feel almost impossible (even if it is not true, or maybe is).  Sleep makes no sense anymore.  There needs to be some order to our home but I have not found it yet.  Usually I have figured things out by now.

Why are things so difficult?  For a lot of reasons really.  My husband just changed jobs and it should be good, but it will take some time.  Our house is full of kids...really full.  I wash clothing and I am still figuring out where to put it.  As kids grow out of things I know I need to store a lot of the clothing, but that just takes up more space.  I hate clutter, even if it is useful stuff.  Without the funds to redesign our home, creative solutions to all the mess is a must.  I imagine that will be one of my projects to come.

Now that I have been pregnant five times in seven years it is hard to imagine a world where I am not expecting a new child.  This is the first time I cannot picture what to do next or dream that I could finally have my body back...maybe not exactly how it was, but close to how it was.  What did I look like before anyway?  People in my life now have not known me not pregnant.  Isn't that a crazy thought?  Well my family, but they do not count.  I wonder if I will make it two years or longer this time.  How will I be different as a parent this time around?  I look forward to answering some of these questions in my new blog- The Liberal Arts Housewife.  Hopefully I will start this soon, but we'll see.  I am still getting used to having five kids.  :)


Saturday, December 3, 2011

Week 4 Postpartum: Nursing With One Breast

I have been able to nurse all of my babies with only one breast.  Learning about the breastfeeding process before attempting it myself helped me through some of the rough patches.  If I had not realized that babies create the milk supply for themselves in the first four weeks of nursing, then I might have given up.  With my first child I was watched very closely.  My baby was 5 lbs 4 oz, so there was concern for his growth right away.  It took about three days for my milk supply to show up even with constant breastfeeding and pumping milk in between feedings.  I felt like a human feeding machine and my life would not be much more than that for a long time. 

During, the many hours I spent pumping milk and feeding, I thought there was something wrong with me and this would never work.  What if I would have to give up breastfeeding?  I really did not want my child to have formula.  Little did I know that a lot of people with little babies, c-section babies, babies struggling with weight gain, and many others find themselves doing exactly what I had to do to feed my child.  Most of them went on to be successful breastfeed babies.  Just because I only have one breast does not mean I would not produce all the milk my baby would need.

What really makes breastfeeding different with one breast?  When the milk comes in if there is any breast tissue left on the mastectomy side, one might start producing milk.  I know because every time I feel the milk let down sensation when I am feeding my baby, I feel it on the side with no breast near my armpit.  With the last three babies I have noticed some milk streaming out of my pores on that side.  I am thankful for not getting an infection, but this has been slightly unpleasant at times.  Since the baby cannot get to the milk I have felt sore and swollen for the first couple of weeks after delivery.  Heat packs and cold cabbage leaves have worked well to get rid of the pain.  In the winter I prefer warm cures.  To make a heat pack one can sew a small square of cloth filled with rice and put it in the microwave.  I have also used a hot water bottle.  All of these things work well.

Another part of only having one breast is feeling really unbalanced by the milk side.  I did not realized I could get a prosthetic, covered by my health insurance, while I am breastfeeding even though I have had reconstructive surgery.  This has really helped me with my last three children.  Instead of gaining one or two cup sizes, my one breast is up three or four ( I have lost track at this point).  All I know is it is hard to not lean to one side causing back pain and making it difficult to keep good posture. 

I would have also loved to know several babies ago that the insurance would also cover the cost of two bras, which in some places, one can even get nursing bras.  This last time around was the first time I found this out.  Not only was I fitted for a great fitting prosthetic, I also was able to get nursing bras.  The lady in the shop will even sew in a pocket int the bra to hold the prosthetic in place.  If you live in the Seattle/ Tacoma area (or even in Olympia) check out Judy's Intimate Apparel.  I have never received such helpful and relevant service.  (They also do just nursing and regular bra fittings too and have a bunch of obscure sizes.) 

Apart from my many struggles with the nursing mastectomy figure, my babies have done really well eating.  I have had children fall off the growth chart, but I think I would have always had children that were smaller than American averages.  The only baby I have struggled to get latching properly is Bria (my 5th child).  It does not matter how many children a person has, breastfeeding can be different with all of them.  After a day of trying to teach her to latch by pulling out our bottom lip a bit or forcing her off the breast and letting her try again, she finally became a pro.  She is still picky about how I hold her during nursing sessions, and I still need some light for night feedings, but we are doing well.  In one month she has gone from 7 lbs 11 oz., to 7 lbs 2oz, gaining all her weight back, and is now 9 lbs. 2 oz.  Great work Bria. 

Even if breastfeeding is pain at first it is worth it.  After about a month, one hardly realizes that it was hard.  I can also say that I have almost forgotten having sore nipples, or the fact the afterbirth pains from having five babies close together were terrible for four days after delivery.  I love being able to supply my baby with all the food she needs and plan on feeding her for as long as she wants to nurse.  I have had a baby nurse as little as eight months (due to a new pregnancy I lost to much weight and was advised to stop nursing) and one that wanted to nurse for two years.  My other two kids nursed for about fourteen months.  Every child is different.  All I know is that Bria and I are enjoying breastfeeding so far and I expect she will for many months to come. 

Monday, November 28, 2011

Week 3 Postpartum: Post Baby Look

The days of wearing pajamas day and night are coming to an end as I am really starting to recover.  Thoughts of leaving the house are actually entering my mind again.  I even made it to church last Sunday.  It is crazy how somebody who really loves to be social can feel so attached to home these days. Now I have to start thinking about what to wear again.  Every woman likes to think she doesn't care and maybe some really do not care, but I have to say I do.  As simple as it sounds I feel better when I take some time to get ready for the day. 

So here I am putting off taking out my regular clothes.  This is the first time I don't really want to know if my jeans fit yet, or if I can pull off wearing a top that does not belong on a pregnant woman.  Unfortunately, I have gotten sick and tired of maternity clothing too.  There are two pairs of jeans that I can wear and not feel like I am still pregnant and the maternity tops are starting to make me feel three to five months pregnant again.  "I have been through this before," I tell myself when I am frustrated with what to wear. 

I wish I could just give birth and not think about the next several months of shedding baby weight, but it is impossible.  After being pregnant several years in a row, I know it important to stay healthy and stay in shape.  My kids are quick on the move and one needs to be capable of running after them. 

The first month after birth I like to think of as the do not stress too much month.  Embrace weeks of rest and when one feels up to it, consider a little bit of walking.  If you are like me, this stage goes on for way too long.  I find myself longing to workout again because when I start to feel better, I want the full use of my stomach muscles back and I want my legs to be strong again.  These are the places that get hit so hard during pregnancy and labor.  Even after preparing my body for several months, there is no way to easily bounce back.  Nine months of pregnancy equals about two years of recovery.  I have never had a full two years of recovery, so maybe I need close to seven years of recovery?  Does it even work that way? 

When I hit the second month I will start using "Post Natal Rescue with Erin O'Brien" and when this starts to be easy around three months out I like to add in "The New York City Ballet Workout."  This is not to much stress on the body and one can skip the floor work and just work on standing moves.  It is great for the stomach muscles and legs.  Then there is more walking a more difficult workouts to tackle.  Maybe even some running when one feels stronger.  I am trying to enjoy the month I am in, but also looking forward to what is ahead.

No matter what the case is, do not get down on the extra chub taking over post baby delivery.  It is normal and I do not know anyone who likes this look.  Clothing will fit again and pj days will end.  Someday I will wear my favorite clothes again!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Week 2 Postpartum: Lack of Sleep

This has been a full week of sleeping very little at night and trying to catch up with odd naps when my baby is sleeping.  She sleeps great most of the day so I can take a nap in the morning or the afternoon or recently I have just been sleeping in until eight A.M.  There was a time in my life when eight A.M. was actually early for me, but those days were gone after I gave birth to my first child.  So here I am hoping I am averaging about six hours of sleep in a twenty-four hour period of time.  I seem to be functioning and not too overly emotional.  Thanks to my loving husband I have been off the hook for most of my motherly duties and I am soaking up a lot of the rest and relaxation still.  He will probably be picking up more work this coming week, but it worked out well have a baby so close to Thanksgiving, so there is even more time to rest.

With all my  great 'free' time, now I use this lightly since I am taking care of an infant around the clock, I keep picturing recipes I want to make and projects I want to work on.  It is like I am back in the second trimester of pregnancy where I need/want to nest as much as possible.  Now that my baby is here and I know she is a girl I want to take care of all the stuff I did not want to do before I knew the gender of my child.  I am caught up in designing headbands and fun girl extras.  My mind is back to pink, it is not difficult to be back to pink since my last baby was a girl too.  I am enjoying gifts people did not want to purchase without knowing the gender of our baby too.

In the back of my mind I know that this first month, recovery month, will be over faster than I can imagine.  Bria is already starting to look less like a newborn and more like a baby everyday.  It is hard for me to admit I need to slow down and just enjoy this time.  This time around my body is forcing me to since I cannot really lift my two year old or even my sixteen month old without feeling some pain afterwards.  Let's face it, we were designed to lift our newborns right after birth.  House work does not seem to be a difficult, but I know I need to wait on many of the tasks I would like to be doing.  If the kitchen floor is not spotless, that is not the end of the world.  If the laundry gets backed up, it bothers me, but not really anyone else.  I like to be ahead of the mess, but that is not as important as I think it is. 

I tell myself this just as much as other people, ENJOY the rest...it will not be long before the expectations of motherhood will set in again.  :)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Week 1 Postpartum: New Life

The first week after having a baby is the work your way back into reality week.  I have been holding my baby for a week now, but I still cannot believe she is no longer in my belly.  I feel like I was pregnant forever and holding her in my arms should be more real, but it is not.  She is beautiful and sweet tempered.  In so many ways I did not know what I was expecting, but she seems to fit what seems natural to me at his point (if that even makes sense).

Nights are long, filled with lots of awake time for baby.  She sleeps though my four other kids crashing around and as soon as it is quite she is alert and ready to go.  I have gotten used to this routine since all of my kids have gone through it.  My husband and I take shifts in the night, but he always makes sure I get as much rest as possible.  I do not know how he has so much energy, but he knows my body is still healing from the birth.

With my first few children it did not seem long before my energy was back up to normal speed.  Maybe it took about ten days.  This time, I am in the middle of that ten day window and feeling wiped.  I have had five babies in seven years and my body is telling me to enjoy the rest for as long as I can.  I am loving taking naps throughout the day and I am thankful my husband can work for home while I recover.  It is fun to have meals presented to me and laundry washed and ready for me to wear.  Mom's do not get this princess treatment everyday.  I am a mom who enjoys serving my family though housework, so I think it has been hard in the past for me to enjoy having my spouse serve me in this way.  He has really been such a blessing this time and know he is working really hard to keep up with everything.

Baths are a great way to get fifteen to thirty minutes alone at this point.  I love my new little one, but let's face it...alone time will always be important and taking a bath forces me to have it.  My baby shower friends made me different scented bath salts, so my routine since the birth has been to pick a scent different scent a day.  It has been so much fun trying them all.  I honestly do not remember the last time I relaxed this much.  When my last child was born I was so focused on being recovered from it all, that I let this time of rest slip away from me.  Take my advice, enjoy resting because motherhood is a lot of work.

As we enter the second week with five kids, ( I still cannot believe it!) I think about the blessing of having such a big family.  My kids are running around playing and taking small breaks to kiss their new sister on the head.  Even my smallest little girl, only sixteen months old, is trying to be my helper by bringing my nursing pillow to me when she sees me feeding the baby.  It is so amazing to see how smoothly the transition is going.  Everyone is so loving.  That is not to say it is always so perfect, but I will take as much of this special time as we can get. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Sunday, November 6, 2011

39 Weeks and 3 Days: Bria's Birth

After the longest pregnancy in my history of pregnancies, Bria was finally ready to appear.  I know for some people it would be a relief to deliver as early as 39 weeks instead of 40 or even 42 weeks.  I have been spoiled to only be pregnant for 38 weeks in the past.  In my own defense, I am small, so delivering small babies has been in my favor.

This pregnancy has been different all around for me.  It was the first time I guessed the gender until I met my baby.  I was measuring giant by 30 weeks instead of small.  I grew out of all my maternity clothing and spent about a week and a half borrowing my husband's clothing.  All I can say is I was humbled by the fact that it does not matter how many times I am pregnant, every single child is different, so every single pregnancy is as well. 

Just when I thought I could not possibly be pregnant anymore my desire to clean the entire house finally kicked in.  It always does somehow, but this time I questioned if it would because I would usually have my home prepared for a birth a week in advance.  This time it was just hours before Bria's arrival.  My husband seemed to start nesting along with me as we finally decided to move our deep freezer out of the kitchen and into the garage.  This triggered the need to mop the kitchen floor and it all began.  Before I knew it I was dusting, cleaning bathrooms, putting our birth sheets on the bed and thinking about filling up our birthing tub.  This was kind of in faith because I was not sure if the mild contractions I was experiencing all day were the real thing yet. 

As we put the kids in bed I could tell something was different about that day.  I had a sense that I was in labor.  It always frustrated me when people would say, "You just know you are in labor," but it is true.  After so many practice contractions I thought it would be hard to "just know."  A few hours passed and things began to pick up.  One thing I have not experienced is a text book contraction pattern.  My contractions tend to be everywhere from three minutes apart to fifteen even near the end of labor.  For me it is all about the intensity.  By the time I would normally be considering going to bed, we were filling up the birth tub and I was getting into it.  Things were still moving along and I began to feel like we should tell our midwife I was in labor.

About two more hours went by before we called and requested the midwife show up at our house.  She lives about a half an hour away so I did not want to wait too long, but I was enjoying the labor being just my husband and I at that point.  She took her time coming over and when she arrived I feared my labor would stop.  This has happened to me in the past and taken a few hours to get going again.  Things did not stop, but my contraction patterned continued to be irregular.  When I was checked for the first time I was already at six centimeters, but I felt like it was all going so slowly this time.  I have also been spoiled with pretty quick labors.  This one was feeling long. (It actually was not very long, maybe 5 hours total). 

I paced around my living room and kitchen, spent time in the shower, napped for about two seconds on the bed before my contractions became more intense.  Now things were really going and I went through a stage of feeling very discouraged.  I just wanted it all to be over.  This contraction business had gone on long enough.  Finally, when things felt unbearable, I got into the birth tub with my husband.  I am so thankful he is willing to be in there with me because his presence really helps me relax through all of the contractions. 

My water broke in the tub, it felt like a balloon burst.  That next contraction was it.  I was on to the pushing phase.  Little did I know that pushing, was really going to mean pushing for me.  In the past, my five pound babies have arrived in about three pushes total.  This baby was bigger.  In fact,  I had to concentrate on controlled pushing.  My body wanted to push as much as possible, but I might have torn badly had I taken this approach.  As my midwife encouraged me to lay my head back and pant I felt a giant head arriving.  This baby would be much bigger than my others.  The body did not feel like a frog coming out of me, I had to push it out little by little.  I felt spent at the end as my midwife placed my beautiful baby girl on my chest. 

It would have been easy to think now I am done, but there was still the placenta to push out.  I had just been watching a video clips about the third stage of labor on www.oneworldbirth.net.  This is an important stage of labor that is often forgotten about.  Maybe I had been watching these clips to prepare myself to push when I really did not want to anymore.  My placenta came out pretty easily in the end, but when I was done, I was really done. 

I had hoped that I would have been able to enjoy this labor a little bit more than I did.  I know that sounds like a crazy comment, but there is something so amazing about labor even in all the pain.  It is a mystery why this pain feels great even when it is the worst it is going to get.  I remember thinking, when I did not want to keep taking on contractions,  I still do not know the gender of my baby.  This was exciting.  I always have looked forward to seeing my baby, but this time it was much more than that.  Who would my baby be?

Her name is Bria Esme Ruybalid and she was born at 5:56 am on November 4, 2011.  She was a very big baby for me, 7 lbs 11 oz and 20 inches long.  Her hair is thick and jet black, her eyes are dark brown, and personality it peaceful.  Even though I felt frustrated about waiting so long to meet her, I would not take back one minute of my pregnancy or labor.  I still cannot believe she is here and I am thankful for each moment we have enjoyed together so far. 

Monday, October 31, 2011

39 Weeks : Baby Shower

When a friend of mine wanted to plan a baby shower for me a few days before I was going to be 39 weeks pregnant, I was certain my baby would be in attendance.  This is the first time I have been pregnant for this long.  My longest pregnancy in the past was 38 weeks and 4 days.  I know to most people I should not be complaining.  A lot of people go to 42 weeks, but for my tiny frame, space is running out.  The baby's head is so low, I dream about giving birth without realizing it.  Plus, I look the way most women look at 40 plus weeks.  No clothing fits and I cannot imagine this lasting much longer.

Enough of the complaining though.  I think I was supposed to go to my shower still pregnant.  It was such a blessing to me.  All this time, I have spent a lot of my pregnancy feeling isolated and disconnected.  It is hard to venture out of the house with three to four kids.  This last trimester my mom has been sick and in bed for almost three months.  I was afraid she would not be able to be involved with the birth.  So on top of not leaving my house much, my family dinners once a weeks were canceled and I spent my main social time on the phone.  This is basically what kept me feeling like a part of the rest of the world during this time.  My shower gave me a level of confidence, love, and support that I did not realize I needed.

Since I have four kids already, the shower was for me.  We had treats and sat drinking tea.  My favorite moments in life have been sitting around drinking tea with friends and family.  There was one fun game, but a lot of the time was devoted to blessing.  It was great, because blessed I was.  It has been ages since I have received prayer from a group of strong Christian women.  As they all prayed for me in turn I realized that everything I was struggling with was taken care of.  Each person's prayer matched with something I needed prayer for without me saying a word.  I felt at peace, relaxed, and released to really accept getting ready for this baby.  It has been challenging to think that a fifth child will fit in our home.  Our car will be filled and puzzled pieced together creatively with car seats.  Every time I walk past the birth tub I think about how nice it will be to finally get rid of it and have my room back, instead of focusing on how great it will be to have a baby in it. (Last time the birth tub really made the experience something I can barely describe with words.)  A part of me still does not feel like I will really have another baby in a few days.  I am thankful for these extra days of full nights of sleep and more time for me, but I also look forward to meeting my new baby. 

So as I trek into the unknown weeks for pregnancy, the ones I never thought I would experience, I am learning about not worrying so much.  If my labor is fast I need to accept that and if it is slow I need to figure out a way to cherish it.  This is much more easier said than done of course.  My cranky attitude is creeping up an me constantly.  A friend told me yesterday that the baby that took 42 weeks to come out is a very calm and peaceful child.  How much does the baby's personality play into his or her entry to the world?  I know I had so many struggles with the birth of my third child, but he is the one that runs up to everyone and hugs them.  He is loving and gentle and people have asked to borrow him.  So as I grow frustrated by the day, it is nice to think, maybe this baby is just happy and relaxed inside my belly. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

38 Weeks: The Waiting Game

This pregnancy I cannot believe I actually made it this long!  I know I feel ready around thirty seven weeks most pregnancies, but this time I was even having so many practice contractions.  Now here I am in what I like to refer to as the eye of the storm.  All the practice contractions of settled down and the only sign they ever existed is the fact that I have a baby's head literally between my legs.  I asked my midwife jokingly how much lower the head could really get?  It is already hindering my ability to lift up my legs.  I only experienced this one other time, with my second child.  We will have to wait and see how this works during actual labor, because at this point I feel like a time bomb.

Our room is fully ready for the birth now.  We put together the birth tub and even filled it a couple of nights ago, when I was sure I was going to have my baby.  Last night we emptied the tub again.  In some ways I am glad we went through all of this because the tub we have this time around is a bit smaller than our last one and we realized we will need way less time to fill it.  I think it will only take about an hour.  Now I am less worried about filling to tub before I give birth. 

For the last two nights we have been sleeping on a shower curtain.  Let me back up, for the birth, we have one set of clean sheets on our bed, a shower curtain, and then an old set of sheets on top of that.  I keep thinking we should just get rid of the plastic layer and the old sheet set until I really feel labor, but there is a comfort in knowing I will not be getting up in the middle of the night, in labor, to remake my bed for the birth.  So this is a mini debate in my head at this point.

We already ate all the crackers I bought for labor, but that is alright, we can buy some more.  Our house is messy again, and with four kids, keeping the place as clean as I am going to want it for the birth is just about impossible.  I have settled a little bit for trying to go to bed with the floors and the counters in my kitchen clean.  Our bedroom, where we plan to give birth, is easier to keep clean, but full of birth supplies.  Last time around I some how managed to get the house spotless just hours before my water broke, so maybe there is still some hope?

Now that the birth is so close it is hard to think about anything else.  I have been working with two different midwives this pregnancy as one of them is on a trip until later this week.  It is strange picturing my birth two different ways.  In the hospital there is always a chance your doctor might not be on call, but with midwives there is a special kind of connection that happens between the mother and the midwife and the baby and the midwife.  I guess it all depends on when the baby is ready.  In the past, I have had my babies around 38 weeks and 4 days.  So that means Friday, but babies tend to come when they want to and the formula is unpredictable. 

My kids are great at asking me daily when the baby will come out and if it is today.  The two older kids want to see the baby come out.  This is the first time they have been old enough to ask.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  It could be great, or really stressful for me to have them there.  Even though I have been through this so many times, labor is labor and I like having my husband to myself and QUIET.  I do know plenty of people who have their children at the birth and think it could be really special for them.  I know that we have all gone through this pregnancy together and the kids have been just as present in the entire process. 

The perfect birth situation at this point for me would be to have the baby in the night when all the kids are sleeping.  Then they could wake up to the surprise of our new family member.  That would be so great.  Again, if only it were that simple.  I have had one baby first thing in the morning, two of the just before midnight, and one around dinner time. 

Waiting only gets more and more interesting the more times I go through this.  I have too much to compare too at this point.  I know this labor will surprise me and be different for all the others somehow.  The pregnancy already is.  It is amazing how different every child is, making each birth unique.  When birth is thought of as a scientific formula, one misses the mystery of it all.  Even though I hope for certain things to be like past births, I look forward to seeing how different it can be this time around. 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

37 Weeks: False Labor

I HATE the term false labor.  It is a great way to discourage a woman who has felt signs of labor for hours, days, or even weeks.  Every other movie with a birth scene shows a mother going to the hospital and being told she is not in labor or the labor is going slowly.  Some of this is true, most of it is guess work.  I am a woman with lots and lots of contractions throughout pregnancy.  I started feeling Braxton Hicks contractions around twenty weeks this pregnancy.  Let's just say the uterus is a smart muscle and it knows it needs a good workout before the main show-the birth.

As my pregnancies come close to the end I tend to experience chunks of time with fairly strong feeling contractions.  I know it is not active labor at this point because those contractions are much more intense, but there is a distinct point in labor when Braxton Hicks contractions switch over to the kind of contractions leading up to the birth.  With my second child, I knew my contractions just felt different.  My whole self felt different.  This was the only pregnancy I really felt a sense of understanding as to what was happening to me.  Since then it has all been guess work.

With my third child, I thought the contraction shift had happened, but when I got the the hospital everything would stop.  This happened several times.  It is hard to tell if I was not really in labor, or if I experiencing a strong level of stress and anxiety at the hospital, causing my body to stop the labor.  As I have mentioned in one of my previous posts, my third labor and delivery left me feeling very discouraged.  I think that if I had pressed the doctors, my 'false labor' would not have gone on for five days.  From my experiences, labor takes two things, an active uterus ready for the birth and lots of strong encouragement.  It does not matter how many children a person has, labor is still a mystery and different every time.  I have felt a couple of similarities, but not that many.

By the time I was getting ready to deliver my fourth child, I found myself in a situation where it was too early for me to be in labor.  I was 36 weeks, so my baby would have been alright, but I wanted to be careful.  When I started to feel my contractions in my legs as well as my back and stomach, I went into the hospital.  Everything stopped, just like with my third child.  Why was my body stopping and starting so much?  This was a very frustrating process.  After all the contractions this time I ended up having my baby two weeks later! 

With this baby I am sitting around with the same kind of feeling.  I have had contractions for weeks, but none of them have shifted into active labor.  When I have been afraid of preterm labor, I have been checked and there are minor cervical changes going on.  I would not call this labor, but I would also not call this false labor.  If I were to define what was happening, I would say, my body was still working hard preparing for the birth.  False labor implies nothing is happening and the mother is dumb to assume anything is.  

As one can see through my experiences, not one labor is a like.  There has not been a distinct pattern.  Labor is not text book science as far as I am concerned.  The pattern I do see is doctors discouraging women who actually think they are in labor to go home.  I have heard hospital nurses telling women that they should not be in so much pain because their cervix is showing very little change.  How can anyone really determine this?  Many women rush to epidurals, just because of little moments like these.  If a nurse were to say something like, let's wait and see what your body is doing and maybe put some belief into a woman's intuition, it would be nice.   With my second child a nurse did this for me and it gave me my dream birth.  When the doctor told me things could go either way, she encouraged me to listen to myself.  This encouraged me so much, I had the baby a couple of hours later.

Having a labor that progresses is more complex than just contractions.  The mental state of the mother determines whether or not she feels comfortable enough to have the contractions.  Let's face it, if one were to compare birth the sex, then the way most births are treated are closer to rape situations than anything else.  Birth is a sacred time, not something to just get over with.  Yes, it may be a hassle to deliver a baby at 3AM, but at least the mom got to reap the reward of giving birth naturally.  This may cause less problems later for mom and baby.  I am no doctor, but I do know that through my last four experiences and into this fifth pregnancy, I am glad that there are midwives who allow uninterrupted births to happen and in every hospital there are some nurses and doctors who actually encourage women to stick to their own desires for a natural birth. 

**P.S.**  Part of the problem is trying to figure out when to go to the hospital.  If other women are like me, I do not want to go in when my contractions make it impossible to move, so it is easy to end up there too early.  Since I have started to have my babies at home, the stress of moving in the middle of labor is eliminated leaving the labor to progress more naturally.  


Sunday, October 9, 2011

36 Weeks: Preparing for the Unkown

Now I am really thinking about my life with five kids.  Do you ever feel like you will be pregnant forever?  This is how I feel during the day.  In someways I have been pregnant for longer than the average person.  Yes there have been a few months of breaks in between these last three children, but I have yet to remember what it is like to be me.  I am pretty sure I will never be the me I was before having kids, but some sense of life beyond being pregnant all the time might be nice.  I think people see me and forget that just like anyone else, being pregnant is a mixed bag of emotions no matter how many times I have been pregnant.

My main goal this pregnancy is keeping the whole situation real and trying to make it as memorable as possible.  With all of our kids we have done things slightly differently, but this time I feel like it is easy to slip away into a world where I am just pregnant.  I know this makes very little sense, I am just so used to feeling much more anticipation toward the birth of my new baby at this point.  Does this mean I am not bonding with my baby?  I do not think that is the case, I just think I have been through this whole process so many times.  I do not want to loose the sense of awe in it all.

First time moms notice all the changes from a growing belly to the first kicks.  I know these moments so well that maybe I do not treasure them enough.  Baby stuff is just a part of life at this point.  However, there is always one thing that changes with the birth of each child.  What will I do with one more person in the house?  How will the other kids feel about the new baby?  Will this child like sleep as much as I do?  Yes, this new personality is unpredictable and extremely special.

Not knowing the gender of my baby has been more challenging than I thought.  With the baby almost due I would normally feel settled on a name by now, but that is something I cannot control at this point.  We have a list and top choices.  A part of me feels less connected to him or her, but at the same time I feel really connected.  It is a strange feeling.  Gender defines so much of an identity, right down to the name.  I thought I would be more anxious about knowing what I was having, but I feel quite calm.  Several people think it is a girl, including my daughter.  She already refers to the baby as a she and I have to keep telling her that it could be a he.  All I get in response is a grin and ,"No mommy, I want it to be a girl."  I wonder if she has a gut feeling about this?

I think about labor and how I want it to be this time.  This is the first time I have very little expectations for it to be like any of my other births.  The last couple of times I expected a birth as easy as the one with my second child, but that has not really happened.  This time I just want it to be a peaceful, loving experience.  I am trying not to be stressed out about what to do with my four other kids.  What if it is a quick labor and they just happen to be at our house?  Would that be so bad?  Could I focus on birthing a child with some of my kids racing around the house fighting in the background?  I want to be mentally prepared for anything, but who can really know?  All I know is I am thankful for the work my body has been able to do in the past during labor and I pray for strength to enjoy going through it over again.

And when this beautiful child appears I know we will find a way to add him and her into our lives as if we had always had this baby around.  I look forward to meeting you baby...hopefully not too soon.  One more week until it is safe to have a homebirth.  Then I can finally relax.  In the meantime, it is time to iron sheets and baby blankets.  I still cannot believe I get to give birth again.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Cloth Diapers

Here is my stash of newborn diapers.  I am looking forward to trying them.  Hopefully all my sewing will pay off.  Also shown are Kissaluvs hemp fitted diapers.  These are my favorite newborn diapers.


35 Weeks: Aches, Pain, and Preterm Labor Scares

This has been an interesting week so far.  At some point on Saturday I felt like the baby moved into my pelvis.  At 35 weeks pregnant with my fifth child, I began to feel slightly concerned.  Some Braxton Hicks contractions started, but this time, they were strong.  I knew this was not labor, but could easily be confused with early labor.  Some were three minutes apart, and others were five.  Each contraction was fairly painless, but there was a little more pressure than I was used to.  It was nice to have my midwife appointment a few days later where I found out what was going on.  I am 2 cm dilated, but this could stay the same for weeks.  I have read lots of stories about women who are walking around dilated to a 5 for weeks.  So much about the last phases of birth are different for every woman.  People like to think there is a perfect formula, but there is not.  I have had four children and nothing has been exactly the same with each pregnancy.  What I can say is one does not want to mess around with having a baby sooner than 37 weeks.  Any questions are worth asking.

With two of my previous pregnancies I have gone into the hospital before birth time to make sure a baby was not born too early.  One time I had some shots that seemed to work and the second time I was working with a midwife who had me taking wild yam to slow down my uterus.  Sometimes all that is going on is an overactive uterus, but it is great to be safe.  I am thankful that none of my babies have been born before 37 weeks (my first child was born at 37 weeks though).  Unfortunately, sometimes one does everything and still has the baby.  

So here I am cutting back activities and praying a lot when I feel stronger contractions.  So far, so good.  Not patterns and nothing extended like actual labor.  It is nice to know what labor really feels like or I would be less calm at this point.  A midwife will not deliver a baby at home until 37 weeks, and our little hospital in town wants one to be 36 weeks.  If all goes the way my last births have been, I have a scare around this time and then make it to 38 weeks.  That would be ideal.

Lets face it, the end of pregnancy is filled with mixed feelings.  It would be nice to be able to get in and out of bed without feeling like my pelvis is going to break in half.  I am feeling limited movement due to my GIANT belly.  My kids are starting for act more anxious because the younger ones sense the baby is coming and my older ones just know how these things work.  I wish I could say I grin and enjoy these frustrating moments, but my temper toward the end of pregnancy seems to be similar to a teenager during early puberty.  It is kind of sad, crying one minute and screaming the next.  With all my kids fighting much more in the background, I long for silent time every second of the day.  

Meanwhile, I am getting out supplies for the birth and trying to fit tiny clothes in random drawers in the house.  We are running out of room.  I have limited myself to the smallest size clothing, receiving blankets, spit rags, baby towels and diapers.  I usually like to be more prepared but space and energy are not permitting it this time.  I am also preparing for my midwife's home visit and really realizing that in a few weeks I will no longer be pregnant.  This pregnancy has gone by so quickly, but at the same time I have felt like I will be pregnant forever!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

34 Weeks: Nest or Rest

Here I am in a typical third trimester dilemma, is it more important to nest or rest?  My mind is counting down weeks at this point, while my body is telling me to chill out and take a nap.  I do not remember being so tired at the end of my other pregnancies.  Yes, I have had my iron checked and it was low...Now I am talking freeze dried liver capsules to solve the problem.  That has helped, but my mind is not in alignment with my due date. 

What is the cause of this?  OTHER KIDS!  For the first time in my nesting experience I notice that having other kids is really taking up more time than nesting.  In the past there was the glorious time of day called nap time.  Everyone in the house was successfully quiet for around two hours a day.  Even my four year old son loved his naps.  My three year old daughter did not sleep, but understood how to be quiet and mommy was in a happy place.  I could do whatever I wanted.  I folded clothes, got housework done (stress free), took a nap, watched a show on DVD, and had some quality recharging.  Now I am cleaning up poop and pee from my potty training two year old and dealing with a teething one year old (her first two teeth can you believe it?).  Meanwhile, my four year old, almost five year old, cannot believe she has to stay home with me while her six year old brother gets to go to school.  Did I mention drop off and pick up with four kids?  Just loading them all into the car for this takes around a half an hour.  All order and stress free afternoons are GONE! 

Today I begged my daughter to play outside just so the the house would be quiet while the babies took a nap.  She lasted about ten minutes before making up a story about being scared of something in the yard.  I am not sure what, but I let her come in.  I should be happy she wants to be with me.  She chats nonstop.  From what I remember about myself, this chatty side of me stopped around twelve years old.  So really I need to enjoy it while it lasts. 

As my son pooped in his pants, my daughter claimed she did not mean to push over the baby, and my bread is just about done in the oven as the phone rang.  It was my husband.  I could barely hear him and the kids just got louder.  Sorry dear, I had to go.  I love phone calls, but these days I am lucky if I can hear who is on the other line.  My great plans of sorting through several boxes of baby clothes was put on the back burner.

Then tonight my husband looked over at me and asked me what I was thinking about.  I said, "nesting."  He went to the garage and got out all the boxes of baby clothes for me and I was able to sort them all in about a half an hour.  When I was done, he put them all away.  This was the greatest gift a husband could give a woman who is 34 weeks pregnant.  With my belly in the way, it would have easily taken me about twenty minutes just to get the boxes out of the garage. 

On another note, I wish resting could be easier these days, but if I have to pick one, nesting is a lot more fun.  I am sticking to a strict bedtime to make up for my failed attempts to nap.  When the clock says ten P.M., I better be attempting to sleep.  In around a month from now a new baby will be setting my sleep schedule, so I am going to enjoy a few more nights of sleeping through the night. 

Monday, September 19, 2011

33 Weeks: Birth is Approaching!

I know it is early for me to start writing titles like "Birth is Approaching,"  but after having four other kids, I realize how fast these next few weeks can fly by.  My focus is all over the place as I have gone through many other, non pregnancy related transitions.  I have a walking baby now, a little boy to get potty trained SOON, a girl who wishes she could go to school, and a son who just started kindergarten.  There is never a dull moment.  When I finally sit down, I realize how I have spent very little time bonding with the new life inside of me.  I am serious about wanting to connect with my baby even before he or she is born.  It is fun feeling some major movement these days.  Little baby loves to jump around in my belly.  It feels as if I have a built in trampoline!

As the birth approaches I am getting out my lists of supplies for a home birth.  When one goes to the hospital all one really needs are some clothes, but with a home birth, I feel more obsessive about getting prepared.  In preparation for my last baby, I made a plan to cook one extra meal a week, so that when I had the baby we would have about five meals all ready.  People have blessed us with some great meals, but there are also days when it is up to us and my husband has been thankful that making dinner only consisted of putting a ready made meal in the oven.  Some of the food I though would freeze and recook did not work out as well as I planned, so this time around I am thinking twice about my food plans.

One cannot go wrong with freezing a lasagna and some kind of chilli.  These are also meals people love to hand out after a birth, so it depends on how much the family expects choices.  I myself do not mind having chilli twice in one week, but every day might be a bit much.  It would be nice to consider so more creative dishes.  Maybe I could freeze my favorite beef stew...or perhaps chicken and dumplings (something I have never made, but comfort food is great the first month after delivery).  A part of me is thinking about having some quick to make recipes planned out for my husband because I just am such a snob for freshly cooked food.  I cook most nights and I can tell the difference between fresh cooked food and previously frozen stuff.  It would be nice to think it all tastes the same but it does not.  There are easy ways to make a quiche, or a pasta dish with sauteed veggies.  These things do not take much time to prepare and can be a break from casseroles. 

Apart from food I am trying to stay motivated to keep my house a little cleaner than usual.  It is important to me to have a super clean house for the birth, even if I only use one room to deliver in.  I usually let our bedroom fill up with stuff the kids cannot get into, but I am finding other places to store things.  I may need to let the garage get a bit messy for now.  I have my usual bathroom and kitchen cleaning schedule, but I am trying to vacuum a bit more and dust off surfaces.  I am hoping when I get my last rush of energy to clean before the birth, most of the things I want done will already be clean so I can focus on crazier tasks like cleaning out the fridge.  I like to clean, but pregnancy makes one want to clean EVERYTHING and that is exhausting. 

My projects are pretty much wrapped up for now.  I have a little knitting going, but nothing that needs to be finished.  The project I am working on is for myself as a reminder to sit down and relax once and a while.  I have a book I would like to read, but I am not stressing myself out about it.  This blog is my main project right now and I hope to continue to find time to write every week. 

I am starting to look forward to the idea of holding a new baby again.  It will be nice to have my body back again even if it will be a bit squishy around the edges.  The end of this pregnancy is in sight, but I also want to try and enjoy looking down at my giant belly and cherishing every kick.  It is hard to stay positive about pregnancy when one feels like a cross between a slug and an elephant, however, this phase will not last forever.  Part of enjoying the third trimester is preparing a space outside the womb for my child and looking forward to the first glance at his or her face. 

Monday, September 12, 2011

32 Weeks: Baby Stuff

There is so much going on the last trimester of pregnancy.  For one, I am wiped out again.  Taking care of four kids is enough by itself.  By this time in my other pregnancies, I may have already washed and organized all the baby clothing.  This time around I have yet to do this for multiple reasons.   I do no know where to put the clothing yet, and I feel too lazy to go into the garage, get out all the clothing, and arranged it all again.  Plus, boy clothes and girl clothes will be sitting around until I give birth.  My house already feels like clothing is swallowing us up.  Maybe I am less motivated because I know I have what I need and so all I will really need is a few days to get everything ready.

Some people may still be sitting around trying to figure out what it means to feel like one has everything for the first year of a baby's life.  Here are the things that I have found most important for my family.  We always need a pack and play.  Cribs have not worked so far.  We had a beautiful crib we borrowed from a friend for my first born, but having kids so close together would have meant we would need to buy a crib every few years.  Plus, cribs take up more space.  In fact, with my third child I got a moses basket for my baby so I would have more space in my bedroom.  I had a feeling this baby would be in my room for a while.  After all, my other two bedrooms were filled and teaching my two kids to share a room was going to be a new challenge.  Don't forget to have two fitted sheets for the baby bed and some baby blankets (we have a basket full from gifts). 

Having plenty of diapers is always helpful.  If you are not cloth diaper obsessed, have three or four cases of newborn diapers.  The average newborn goes through about twelve diapers a day.  I had no idea, but one gets through those diaper cases every few days!  When my closet was filled with diapers for my first child, I had no idea how helpful this would be.  If you love cloth diapers, but are unsure of how many you will need I recommend at least twelve diapers.  We seem to get through four to six covers in a couple of days, so eighteen diapers has been a good number.   With Fuzzi Bunz, my first try with cloth, we had twenty diapers and this was great for doing laundry every other day.  Cloth diapers take up less space in the closet and the trash, but do make one need to keep to a good laundry schedule.

Baby clothes are interesting.  I get out three sizes right away.  All of my babies have been around five pounds so we have about five preemie footies and some cute outfits.   For nighttime, we use the gowns that have those hand covers to prevent the baby from scratching his or her face.  I have seven of these, but one does laundry so much when a baby is small three or four are fine.  My babies have been in size newborn a few weeks after the birth, so all these clothes are washed and in the drawer too.  I have quite a collection after having two boys and two girls.  Some clothing goes unworn at this stage.  Think seasonally, we do not put dresses on my baby girls in the fall when they are tiny.  It makes changing diapers such a pain.  I love footies until my kids try and more around.  Socks fall off! Then I have 0-3 months clothing out too, just in case my kids suddenly grows out of everything!  Trust me it happens fast.  After this I have been able to relax with the kids clothing.

Getting a car seat is confusing.  A friend gave us one she had picked up at a second hand store.  We never had a problem with it and used it for two kids.  Here is the deal with used car seats:  If they have been in a crash they are not a good investment.  One does no know if this has happened unless a good friend gives you an old car seat.  Purchase your own car seat if you can.  They have a five year life and then the plastic is no longer considered safe.  Most people who have two kids can use the same car seat for both infants.  We needed a new one for our third child.  It will still be in decent shape for our fifth.  

We did not get a highchair until my first born was five months old.  Our apartment was small so, if we did not need it, we did not have it.  People gave us some toys, but we did not buy any ourselves.  Basically, all we really needed to get started were diapers, clothes, a car seat, and a place for the baby to sleep (even though our babies have spent more time in our bed the first month, than in a pack and play or moses basket).

If you breastfeed, food is there for the baby around the clock.  Otherwise, try and find glass baby bottles.  BPA is a problem with plastic bottles and there is already enough BPA coating the cans of formula.  I do not have much experience with bottle feeding.  I did give my first born formula because I was pregnant and losing too much weight.  Now I have been able to breast feed and be pregnant at the same time just fine.  I understand there are times when breastfeeding is not possible, but if you can breastfeed enjoy it.  Yes, the baby never leaves your breast the first month, but it gets better and your bond is stronger because of it.

There are plenty more fun things to buy for a new baby, but do not stress.  There are stores open after one has a baby, not to mention websites to buy from.  I love www.diapers.com.  It is easy to get obsessive about baby stuff.  I used to walk around the baby section of target just drooling.  It is hard to stop wanting more things.  One can never be too prepared.  It can be fun to add a few random things to baby shower registry.  Sometimes a cute baby outfit can make you smile when your baby has already spat up on you a hundred times and you somehow got mustard poop stains all over your favorite shirt.  Enjoy nesting, it is fun, plus it is the most organized one will be for awhile.  Once the baby is born, days fly by.

 

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

31 Weeks: The Privilege of Birth

Yes, I know that I still have several weeks to go.  I am reminded by this every time some asks me if I am due soon.  However, thinking about labor and delivery comes and goes throughout the entire pregnancy.  I have just recently gotten to the point where it is an obsession.  For someone who has already done this four other times it should be down to an art by now, but every baby and birth is different.

When I began my first birthing journey, I knew very little about my rights as a laboring mother.  I thought I had read all the important books and having a natural childbirth would be easy.  Nobody had told me otherwise and the hospital where I planned to have my baby raved about their love for natural childbirth.  Every birthing room was filled with balance balls, rocking chairs, tubs, and many other ways to manage pain without drugs.  Little did I know how rarely anyone dared to ask for an actual natural birth.

My birth situation became unnatural almost the second I arrived at the hospital.  My bag of waters broke and I had no sign of contractions.  I was barely thirty-seven weeks.  Not realizing that some women can go seventy two hours like this without any major complications to the baby, I did what any first-time mom would do.  I wanted answers and so we went into the hospital.  After all, what does labor actually feel like?  Would I have known at that point?

When I got to the hospital I was faced with deciding to be induced after only four hours of 'labor.'  My husband and I were very opposed and I had read enough to know that I had the right to wait twenty-four hours once admitted to the hospital.  That is what we did, but my labor was not progressing.  Maybe it was the space I was in, or the pressure to come up with contractions out of thin air.  Hours went by and I was induced in the middle of the night.  Had I known how painful this would be I would have asked the nurse to wake up my husband before she induced me.  I was on the other side of a fairly large room in a rocking chair.  Every contraction made me feel as if my entire body would split in two.  I wanted to cry, but I did not have the energy.  The nurse kept bothering me and telling me I was trying to be too strong and I should get an epidural.  NO WAY WAS ANYONE ADDING MORE DRUGS TO MY SYSTEM! Unfortunately, two hours of feeling scared and alone I caved into taking a relaxant.  I felt like I had to do something.  My husband woke up just as the nurse came in with the drug.  After this I felt like half a person.  My maternal ability to take in my labor was gone.  Six hours later I felt like I could not breathing and as I pushed my baby out a nurse gave me oxygen.  I was placed in the worst position ever, on my back, causing my pelvis to be narrow.  My baby was only five pounds and four ounces, but for kicks, instead of changing my birth position, I was sliced and stitched up.  After this experience I still wanted to know what natural child birth felt like.  What was a real working contraction like?

I am thankful that a lot of my questions were answered during the birth of my second child.  This was the perfect hospital birth.  We had moved away from the larger hospital where I had my first child.  At first I was skeptical about the hospital in our new small, town, but I had no idea how much better it would be.  The doctors were family practice doctors and most of them were used to natural child birth.  It was strongly encouraged.  None of the nurses even brought up the epidural when I was in labor.  I spent as much time in the tub as I wanted and was free to move around without being hooked up to a baby monitor.  It only took me about five hours from early labor on.  My daughter looked right at me as I pushed her out.  This experience was amazing.  I felt like my labor and delivery had been too easy.  I was almost disappointed I had not needed to work harder. 

When it was time to deliver my third baby I could not wait to have another calm experience at our nice little hospital.  This was not the case.  I somehow was due when the rest of town was having a baby.  I was one of the first to enter the hospital, but the nurses would not shut up about all the people they were expecting in the birth center the next couple of days.  There was all this pressure to either pick up my labor quick or just go home.  I felt abandoned and completely uncared for this time.  I went home when my labor was not progressing and the second I was home I would feel contractions again.  When we got back tot he hospital everything stopped.  When my water finally broke I really did not want to go to the hospital at all.  I had regular contractions, so we finally decided to go back in.  The day passed by quickly.  I never saw a nurse and once again thought if I were to be at the pushing phase, would anyone be here to help us catch my baby?  This was the longest birth process ever and in the end I had to be induced.  I was angry and frustrated when the whole thing was over.  I knew what my body could do and something about my experience was horribly wrong.

To top off my frustration I found out I was pregnant again just a few months later!  This time I went to see a midwife.  There was no way I wanted to have another horrible hospital experience.  I would wake up in the middle of the night, angry at the hospital.  Having a baby at home had to be better.  I was not thrilled about home birth like some people because of silly things.  What if my house was not clean enough?  How would I stop myself from trying to do house work seconds after birth?  Who would feed us?  All those kind of things, not the birth itself.  I was not scared of my overall safety.  I knew my body could give birth without any problems. 

This labor was strange for me.  I felt like the birth would go fast when I woke up with my bag of waters broken and very strong working contractions.  We called the midwife and I was not sure she would even make it on time.  When she arrived everything stopped!  I could hardly believe it.  Somehow I was still afraid of giving birth from my last experience.  It took about a half a day for me to relax enough for my contractions to come back.  Then they did they were really irregular.  Longs painful contractions with about a half an hour in between.  It was strange, but when things picked up it was only a couple of hours before I was holding my beautiful baby.  She was born in water, making it an extra special experience.  Why had I waited so long for a home birth? 

A good midwife is willing to see how your body responds to labor.  She is willing to hear you and empower you to trust your body.  Now that I am going to have my fifth baby, I look forward to the birth experience, even the painful contractions.  Women do not realize what a gift it is to be able to give birth in the first place.  The connection a woman had between herself and the baby during birth is a real privilege.  I used to think that it was something one just had to bare to have a child, but this attitude is missing the point.  Parenting begins with protecting the baby through to process of birth.  Labor, though painful at times is exciting and enjoyable if you abandon yourself and miracle of birth. 
 

Monday, August 29, 2011

30 Weeks: Giant Me

The days I dread most about pregnancy are finally here.  Instead of cuddling with my husband at night, I have a body pillow and I can barely get in and out of bed.  Potty breaks in the night keep me awake for at least an hour and I wonder if I should sneak into the kitchen for a little snack.  My more energetic workout routine is replaced with two to three days of harder workouts instead of four to five.  On the plus side, I have replaced some of those days with Crunch's "Yoga Mama", and suddenly realized that I don't have to go through to next few months with back pain.  This yoga stuff really helps.

Even though I have been pregnant several times in the last few years, I block out the point when I feel like I have to be big enough to be carrying twins and I feel done.  However, I am almost positive that this pregnancy I am feeling this way a few weeks earlier than usual.  Suddenly I am dreaming of preparing meals to freeze for that glorious day when I am no longer pregnant.  I am starting to feel slightly motivated to organize baby clothes.  Um...I have at least seven more weeks to go even if I am as early with this child as I was with my first.  I could have five more weeks on top of that.

When I tell people I am due in early November and they look at me confused because I am large for me!  These are people who have seen me through three other pregnancies.  I have to cut myself some slack though.  By the time this baby is due I will have had three babies in three years.  My third child and fourth child are only thirteen months apart and this baby will only be sixteen months younger than my fourth child.  If it really takes about two years to recover from one pregnancy, this so called recovery has not taken place yet, therefore, my body is way ahead as far as pregnancy mode goes. Have I also mentioned that I have been breastfeeding for about six years straight now?  I am taking a brief break right now, Charis' choice (my youngest), but I will only get about three months off before the next baby arrives.

On a positive note, being this pregnant does mean I am in the home stretch.  It is always exciting thinking about new life in the home.  I am looking forward to meeting my little one for the first time and gazing into his or her eyes.  So far I know my baby through some very strong kicking.  This baby likes to move and if there is music playing, he or she really likes to move.  Looking down at my belly is a constant reminder that I have new life inside of me and this always puts a smile on my face.  Pregnancy can feel never ending, and if you are like me it is close to a continuous part of life, but it is so amazing.  Even when I feel so ready to have this baby, I do not want to miss a moment of the present and enjoy the stage of pregnancy I am in.


Friday, August 26, 2011

29 Weeks: Bread and Jam

Throughout the second and third trimester there is more of an increase of appetite and with some extra energy cooking can actually be enjoyable again.  I always feel like I will never want to spend time in my kitchen again throughout the first trimester and beginning of the second one.  Now that I am more aware of trying to eat properly during pregnancy I have a little bit more motivation to make my own food.  (Less unnecessary ingredients that way.)

A while back I wrote about getting rid of caffeine and sugar.  This continues to challenge me this pregnancy.  I have finally gotten any sugar I have out of the house through not buying anymore when it all ran out.  If one misses things like chocolate chip cookies, cake, ice cream, and jam there are ways to eat these foods, but with less of the ups and downs one gets from sugar.  My favorite ways to sweeten treats are through raw honey, maple syrup, and molasses.


In this past week I have had the strong desire to make raspberry jam, but I did not want to eat several cups of sugar with it.  If you go and buy Pomona's Universal Pectin, one can make great jam with honey.  There are recipes included.  I wish I had known about this stuff when my parents had this amazingly large plum harvest a few years ago.  I closed my eyes, while dumping sugar into the fruit, but I knew if I did not make something, all the plums would go bad.   My raspberry jam made with Pomona's Universal Pectin is milder than sugar based jam, but I think the integrity of the fresh fruit taste is much better.  All I can say is this raspberry jam with my homemade bread has been a treat!

Now on to the next craving, cookies and cake.  One may not achieve the same kind of texture with honey, but cookies and cakes stay pleasantly moist when sweetened with just a little honey.  I put in a 1/2 a cup of honey for recipes that call for a cup of sugar.  Most of the time I will not use more than a 1/2 a cup of honey in any of my baked goods.  This goes a long way.  One can also use maple syrup instead.  This leaves me feeling nostalgic for fall. 

My favorite discovery is raw honey in homemade ice cream.  Again it is just around 1/2 a cup again.  I buy a pint of cream,  add a cup of milk, some vanilla, and volia!  This is some enjoyable ice cream.  I do not have an ice cream maker so I put it all in a stainless steal bowl and use an electric mixer for a few seconds every half hour.  This process takes about two to two and half hours.  It is really easy, but requires one to be home as keeping track of time carefully.  Once the time is up, I let ice cream sit in a freezer safe container for a few hours longer. 

Let's face it.  I seem to be obsessed with making things this pregnancy.  I cannot help but want to feel like I am busy.  This helps me forget about the naps I wish I was taking, and keeps me energized to take care of my children.  I have always enjoyed creative tasks.  Who says taking care of the home cannot be creative?

Monday, August 15, 2011

28 Weeks: Diaper Project finished

For two weeks, every spare minute has been about sewing.  A friend of mine lent me her sewing machine and I promised myself my project would be finished by the time she came home from her vacation.  It has been years since I have sat down at a sewing machine.  My last diaper projects were  stitched by hand.  Yes, I was nesting crazy enough to stitch eight newborn cloth diapers by hand before I had Dominic, my third child.

After pricing all the diapers I like to buy ready made (Kissaluvs and Flip diapers), I really wanted to see if I could get the price down.  There are some great ways to recycle cloth to make diapers.  This is what I did with my first set of eight, but this time I knew what kinds of things I wanted in a diaper.  I love fitted diapers and covers.  This kind of a diaper system is great because one rarely needs to change the cover if the fitted is well made.  Dads have very little trouble with the system either.  It also costs a little less than getting all pocket diapers or AIOs (all in ones).  

Anyway, this new diaper journey would be more organized.  I poured over websites, diaper making demos on utube, and looked up the best places to buy diaper making materials.  Instead of printing out one of the many free diaper pattern options, I decided to make my own pattern based on measurement of basic newborn diapers.  My kids tend to be slim, so I made them a bit more trim.  One can get some supplies from places like JoAnns, but a lot of things are hard to find.  I was able to find just shy of a yard PUL (the waterproof fabric used to make covers or part of a pocket/AIO daiper).  They also stock a lot of terry cloth, so I found some random amount for super cheap to add to soakers.  One can also buy some flannel too.  Elastic and industrial velcro are easy to find, but I am not sure this is the most thrifty way to buy it.  I went ahead and bought two and half yards of velcro and four yards of 1/2 inch elastic.

The next step was to fill in the gaps for the cloth I really wanted the bulk of my diapers to be made of.  If one is looking for hemp fleece, I found it at multiple sources on the internet.  This is what I decided would be the best fabric for us.  I have some Kissaluvs hemp fitted diapers that I love and hemp is super absorbent.  I went ahead and purchased two yards of this hemp.  It was enough for my entire project, though I did not line my diaper covers with hemp in the end.  In fact, I did not line them since I plan to use them with fitted diapers.  I bought some fold over elastic for the covers.  I would say I must have spent about $70 dollars by the time I was done buying all of my supplies.  

Now research and actually making these diapers was a different story.  I assumed using fold over elastic would be pretty easy.  Plus, making diaper covers did not involve many steps at all.  I was wrong.  Trying to line up the elastic is quite tricky and not super forgiving.  One needs to line up the edges perfectly.  I found myself missing the fabric and just sewing the elastic at times.  Every single cover required me to try at least two times.  It took me a long time to discover how to make the leg holes tighter than the rest of the diaper, even after watching videos over and over and reading careful instructions.  Keep in mind I have never worked much with elastic so some basic concepts were lost on me.

From covers I worked on two pocket diapers.  These are pretty easy in comparison to the covers.  I used regular 1/2 inch elastic in the back and leg holes of these diapers.  I watched a video where a woman measured the length of the elastic to one leg hole and then cut the piece in half.  This made both sides even and just enough stretch for the diaper.  I used the same concept for the back.  With a pocket diaper one makes the soaker insert more carefully than with an AIO.  Pocket diapers require the cover and soaker to be washed separately.  After two pocket diapers I got sick of doing this and decided there is much less work in making an AIO diaper.  I may regret this when I try to dry my diapers, but we will see.

With an AIO diaper one can simply sew the layers of fabric into the diaper instead of making a tidy insert.  I made three seams, one at each end of the diaper and one in the middle.  It worked out well.  the rest of the diaper is made the same as the pocket diaper except one sews up the back since there is no need to stuff the diaper.  Now one may choose to leave it open to add more soaker layers.  I have seen this done in all my research.  Makeing AIO diapers were the most fun and rewarding.  I think these look the best out my newly made stash.

If you are interested in making diapers here are some of the websites I love:

www.diaperjungle.com

www.kidsinthegarden.com

These both have some great links.  Also, one can search for diaper making videos and I found most of the utube videos this way.  My obsession with diaper making continues to grow.  For a fraction of the price of buying diapers, one can have an impressive stash of cloth diapers.  Plus, having the freedom to choose the exact size and fabrics is a lot of fun.  I have to admit, it is so much fun, I wish I could make diapers everyday.  I am kind of sad I am done for now.






Friday, August 12, 2011

27 Weeks: Housewife

When I was about ten years old my father took me to his company's first "take your daughters to work day."  He did not actually have me sit around in his office and see what he did all day, but he did find me a female employee to work with.  She was in charge of sending out all the office news, so I even got to publish a little article about the event I was attending.  There is one thing that stuck out to me the most about this day, I received a tee-shirt that at an A-Z list of professions and at the top it said, "Girls Can Do Anything."

I think about what it really means to be a girl and be able to do anything.   After graduating college, I  did not bother to take the time to establish a career before marrying the greatest man in the world and having baby after baby.  In this time I figured out that I really enjoy writing, but other than that I have not pursued a career.  I like the idea that I could work if I wanted to, but I do not like the fact that the professional woman has to figure out a balance between home and school in a way that men never do.

My job around the time of my first pregnancy was just to make money.  I was working as a film librarian at a hospital for around twenty thousand a year.  A few weeks into my job I found out I was pregnant and all I could think about was the fact that I never planned to have kids and work too.  My mom stayed at home with me and that is all I ever knew.  Unfortunately, my newly graduated husband was looking for work and I was the one with the job.  I worked through my pregnancy and even considered going back to work.  I can imagine how women who actually like their jobs miss being at work, but I was relieved to get out.

Mommy life did have it down sides for me.  I was used to being out and about.  It had been years since I had spent so much time at home.  Think about it, as soon as school starts, one is trained to be out of the home.  After being busy all the time, I suddenly had nothing to do and so much to do.  How does a woman define herself when most her life she thought she should have a career?  Nobody would know that I was more than just a stay at home mom.  I know French fluently and I have worked really hard in my academic life up until this point.  Now I was starting to feel like the world around me saw me as a failure...having a baby at twenty-three made me feel as if my life had ended and I would never have the chance at a real career.

Now I have been home full time for six years and my priorities have changed.  Do people realize how much money one saves by having kids and keeping one parent home full time?  I have watched friends look for a nanny and a cleaning lady.  Lots of meals are thrown together, or simply not made.  Kids are living off of fast food, snacks, and never sitting down to eat as a family.  Not to mention there is a need for activities since the school day does not line up with the work week for most people.  Here I am living a very simple, but enjoyable life.

Our family has a strict schedule.  This is one of the ways I keep my own sanity and make sure I have time to take care of household chores and such.  We all wake up early and have a nice breakfast together.  The kids have fun playing for a lot of the morning, but I spend about an hour a day reading and trying to teach specific things to the kids.  Lunch is around the same time everyday and so is dinner.  In the afternoon the kids get to have a quiet time and then play some more.  Breaking up the day in sections keeps the kids happy because they have a way to predict what comes next.

I have a goal to make sure the house is cleaned little by little throughout the week, but the big tasks (kitchen and bathrooms), I work on at the end of the week.  I am not super organized with meal plans.  Some moms I know have a calender and the plan out their family's meals for the month.  I plan for the week, but most of the time I stick to a few recipes and then rotate in new things once and awhile so we do not get too bored.  With the farm share, I have to plan by the week since our veggie stash plays a huge role in all of our meals.

There is nothing simple about being a full time mom.  I have learned that every day will be unpredictable.  My kids will not always be perfect.  I may scream more that I like or want anyone to know about.  The picture of the mom I thought I would be is so far from what I am, but I am alright with that.   I do not have time for much of a social life outside my family.  A lot of things I love to do are on the back burner for now.  However, the joy of being a mother, home with her kids, is priceless.  You cannot learn how do be a mom from school.  You pick up some things from your own mother, but a lot of it is learn as you go.  One is not defined by his or her profession.  At the end of the day I would prefer my children know me, not what I do.



Friday, August 5, 2011

26 weeks: Opinions

Just a short ten weeks ago I was writing about how I did not look pregnant yet, just chunky.  Now I look pregnant and strangers are letting me know it.  My least favorite comment of the week was being told that by the time my baby is due I will be wider than I am tall.  Now I understand I am short, 4'11, but this is ridiculous.  Where do people think a baby goes when one is short?  At least not all the comments I hear are negative.  My favorite comment was," You always look so great pregnant.  Do you find you feel good?  It seems like you have so much energy."  Why is so hard for the majority of people to respond more like comment number two?

I wish I could say that I walk around and hear people's negative opinions and it does not make me bat an eyelash, but this is not true.  When I hear, you look great, I feel great.  I think about all the work I have put into staying in shape this pregnancy and trying to keep my eating under control, though my sweet tooth does get the better of me sometimes. 

When I hear things about being large I freak out about it.  Could I be having twins and not know it?  If other people think I am so large, they must be on to something.  Should I throw out all the ice cream in my house?  Why did I bother to make cake for so and so's birthday, we should have just enjoyed a nice fruit plate instead.  Ug, I wish body image was not such a part of today's world, but it is.  Pregnant or not, WOMEN NEVER GET A BREAK.  We hear about it more pregnant. 

How do you cope with all the voices?  I know I spend a one to two days reflecting on what people have said.  Do I really care about what other people think?  God is in control of this pregnancy.  I need to focus on what is best for me and my unborn child.  In the long run, taking care of me the best I can, is all I can do.  Plus, strangers do no know this is my fifth child in six years.  The average woman takes at least two years to recover from one pregnancy.  I have never had a full two years out of pregnancy, so I really do need to give myself a break.  I do think about how long it is going to take to rid myself of an extra 25 pounds or so, but that cannot be the priority right now.  I would much rather think about other things. 

Let's face it, people are always judging each other even if it is not spoken.  One is more emotional about it pregnant, but we still have the opportunity to ignore what is not applicable and pray for the strength to think about more important things.  Taking care of oneself is important, but obsessing about pregnancy weight is unnecessary.  I have gained different amounts of weight with each child and they have all been healthy and I am still healthy. 

25 Weeks: Projects

There seems to be a phase before nesting where a mom to be becomes obsessive about making things.  I suddenly figure out how to add all these things into small spaces of time.  A month ago, I would have said my day is full and there is not any more room for anything.  Now I have this plan to teach my older two kids phonetics and reading, make a bunch of cloth newborn diapers, knit my best friend a sweater for her birthday, and get back into baking bread (letting my husband mill the flour, since it hurts my back too much).

During my other pregnancies I have found myself going through this phase a bit differently.  Instead of making a bunch of things, I would shop on the internet for hours.  This is when I still actually needed new baby things and really wanted to get the best deals.  Now most of this is taken care of all I really need to work out is having enough diapers.  Plus, I do not know what gender child I will be having so shopping for things like baby clothes is less interesting.

So operation make cloth diapers is going well.  I have completed six covers out of the PUL that I bought.  Some can be used as pocket diapers as well.  There are also three wool covers, one I knit myself and two made out of an old wool sweater.  I think I might even be able to make some baby legs out of the sleeves when I find a moment.  Then I needed to make a few more diapers.  I have two prefold diapers, I plan to use like a flip diaper in some of my covers, some inserts for the pocket diapers, one fitted diaper, and a bunch more fabric to make even more stuff.  Um..what next?  I am thinking about AIO diapers, but they take FOREVER to dry, so probably not.  Maybe just more covers...they are so much fun to make and it is really useful to have a lot around.


From sewing to phonetics, every day is interesting.  My kids four and just six have finally put some order to the alphabet.  I admit, I have not focused so much on this because I wanted my kids to love reading and books first.  Plus, I am not convinced that the ABC's make any sense to a child who does not have a reason to learn them.  Now I feel like it is time to focus, but I still get the most resistance out of my oldest, the one I hoped would want to learn more.  We did not put my son in Kindergarten at five because I really want to teach my children at home.  Instead we purchased the 4/5 Sonlight curriculum.  This was a lot of fun for us and we had lots of great books to read.  With a new baby due in early November I have caved into the thought of putting my oldest in school.  (maybe only for the year).   I will have five kids six and younger and of those, three of them will be two and younger!  What a thought.  It will be like having triplets or something.  I have already worked with two kids close in age, but not three! 

As for making bread, we are now stocked up with twenty five pounds of wheat berries, plus whatever we get with our farm share.  My husband has agreed to mill and so hopefully this weekend our house will smell like freshly baked bread again.  I miss the whole process.   There is something amazing about the art of bread making.  No other kind of baking has the same rewards, even if a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies smells pretty fantastic as well.  Fresh bread makes me think of the name Bread of Life from the Bible and I am always thankful for being well fed.

Sweater making has also been a great tool in trying to relax.  Knitting is awesome because one can knit anywhere.  All you need is a bag for your project and you can be in your own home, or out and about.  I am two thirds of the way done with this sweater, hoping I will not run out of yarn.  My mother gave me some great wool from her stash, so it will be hard to find extra in the shops since I am not sure when she bought the stuff.  Anyway, since the summer has been so cold, knitting a cozy fall sweater has been nice.  Usually, I do not feel like touching wool in the summer, but this year that is not the case.

So as one can see, my energy level is up again finally and all preparations for the new baby are in full swing.  This is always my favorite time in pregnancy because one starts to feel more alive again and there is a new sense of anticipation for the newest member of the family.

Monday, July 25, 2011

24 Weeks: GREENS

A couple of weeks ago, my family signed up for our very first farm CSA.  This has been amazing for me, especially pregnant.  I love to cook, but when I am pregnant my ability to decide what to cook goes out the window.  There are times I go to the store and just look at the vegetables knowing I need to eat lots of them, but not knowing what to choose.  Going to the farmers market has been this way too.  It either all looks good, or I am lacking in creative ideas that day.  Now here were are receiving a box of stuff every single week.  These are not just a few bunches of greens, but things like baby artichokes and fava beans.  Sometimes strawberries, or last week we got some raspberries.  The day we bring these veggies home, we have a FULL fridge.

So what is next?  I get to be creative and figure out how to cook veggies I may never have bought myself.  There are some kind of salad greens every week, enough to have a small amount every day.  We love fresh salad greens.  My kids will pick up the leaves and eat them as a snack in olive oil.  It is fantastic!  Last week I found myself making a "pesto" out of dill and turnip leaves.  Life is getting colorful and interesting. 

Having tons of vegetables in the house forces me to cook every day, but it also has cut down on some of my time at the store.  Between our farm share and ordering once a month from Azure Standard,  I basically go the store for local milk, some dairy, fruit, and the odd box of tea.   My total shopping time has gone down from about one hour, to fifteen or twenty minutes in the store!  This is great because when my husband comes home at night the last thing I feel like doing is running out to the store.  All I want to do is curl up on the couch and relax. 

Thank you local farms for making this an affordable and enjoyable experience!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

23 Weeks: Am I a Good Parent?

With every single pregnancy I have experienced a season of questioning my ability to parent.  When I was pregnant with my first child it was more straight forward.  Could I even be a parent at all.  I was going to be twenty-three when my first son Joel was born.  I felt treated as a glorified teen pregnant woman at the time, even though this was not the case.  Yes, I have always looked very young for my age, but I just wanted to feel an acceptable age to parent a child.  Most of my parenting questions revolved around how others saw me instead of how I felt about myself.

By the time I was pregnant with my second child I did not have enough time to deal with feeling horribly judged.  Now not only was I a "young" mom, but I could not keep myself from getting pregnant again.  Joel was only five months old when I found out I was pregnant again.  The question was, why was a smart girl like me not using birth control?...or maybe it was, those stupid non-white people having way too many children (if I were to be judged by strangers).  Adding to this was my own guilt in not using my fabulous French literature degree.  If I was having two kids so young, would I ever have a career?

It took me two years after the birth of my second child to attempt to recover from the shock of becoming a parent.  Oh and the main parenting skills are not to bad until one's children turn two and half.  Up until then they are sweet loving bundles of perfection (not exactly, but way less work).  I spent my recovery years learning how to enjoy being isolated in an American culture that disrespects stay at home moms.  Instead of feeling judged all the time I set to work on writing manuscripts in my spare time.  I wrote two books before I got pregnant again.  Looking into publishing my work was another story.  I love the writing part, but not the promoting part.  As one can tell sales takes confidence and I was still struggling with this.

Also, in my two years without a pregnancy I worked on creating a family schedule where our house would be cleaned once a week.  I would stay on track of things like laundry.  Then I learned to cook more things than I had bothered to try and make in the past.  Cooking is a great way to get out artistic frustrations and still provide something for the entire family.  I cut out almost all the processed foods I could.  All our cookies would be homemade, meals are too, and the only things I buy packaged these days are Annie's bunny crackers, yogurt, some breads, and pasta.  If I could grow a good tomato crop I would make all my own sauce, but I buy this too.  There are times when I need to get more in a box, but my general daily shopping excludes prepackaged goods.  Every year I have a goal to make more from scratch and learn some kind of useful skill like canning or growing veggies.  These are things our culture has lost by working around the clock to prove one's identity is worthwhile.

When I found out I was pregnant for the third time, I had actually started to think about having another child.  For someone who had been pregnant three months into marriage and the five months after giving birth, this was a breakthrough.  Having my third child felt natural to me.  Plus,  I was still young, but twenty-six seemed like a more respectable age to have a baby.  I struggled with the idea of not having enough hands to keep track of all my children, but this was the most seamless soon to be a parent of three crisis ever.

Baby four was similar to baby three.  I had already decided I wanted a fourth child while I was pregnant with my third.  I even wanted a girl when I found out my third was a boy.  Having two boys and two girls has made me feel so blessed because I get to see so many different personalities.  I always wanted a sister and my husband thought about the idea of having a brother.  Being from families of two kids it has been great to see a mix of brothers and sisters.

Now here I am in the midst of freak out 101 for a mother of five.  There were things I thought would work with four kids that just might not with five.  My oldest is going to be six and even though I was homeschooling him last year, I do not see how this will work with basically three other babies to take care of.  After an emotional battle, we have decided to put him in a small Christian school.  I do not know what we will do after this, but for now compromise has been important.  It is strange to think that even with one kid at school I will still be home with four, just like I am now.  Crazy.

I am also struggling a lot with the fact that I have been pregnant within eight months post birth two times now.  I had this amazing natural break last time and this time I was hoping for another.  With all my research on birth control, I am still not sure if there is a compromise there.  I am not sold on the fact that all women should have children all the time, but there is an aspect of mystery in it all.  God gives us gifts at different times for a reason.  I cannot imagine my life without any of my children.  The choice to have children in God's timing is a struggle just about all the time and I have not found the perfect answer.  Maybe this does not exist.

In any case, being a parent is a gift.  What I forget often is how much I learn from each child.  Every single one is different and my parenting grows and changes.  I also have to constantly remind myself that parenting is not about being the perfect parent, but trying to do my best.  Perfect parents do not exist.  Loving parents do.  I feel like I fail in some aspects of my parenting every day, but I know I am not alone.  God's grace gets me through.