Now I am really thinking about my life with five kids. Do you ever feel like you will be pregnant forever? This is how I feel during the day. In someways I have been pregnant for longer than the average person. Yes there have been a few months of breaks in between these last three children, but I have yet to remember what it is like to be me. I am pretty sure I will never be the me I was before having kids, but some sense of life beyond being pregnant all the time might be nice. I think people see me and forget that just like anyone else, being pregnant is a mixed bag of emotions no matter how many times I have been pregnant.
My main goal this pregnancy is keeping the whole situation real and trying to make it as memorable as possible. With all of our kids we have done things slightly differently, but this time I feel like it is easy to slip away into a world where I am just pregnant. I know this makes very little sense, I am just so used to feeling much more anticipation toward the birth of my new baby at this point. Does this mean I am not bonding with my baby? I do not think that is the case, I just think I have been through this whole process so many times. I do not want to loose the sense of awe in it all.
First time moms notice all the changes from a growing belly to the first kicks. I know these moments so well that maybe I do not treasure them enough. Baby stuff is just a part of life at this point. However, there is always one thing that changes with the birth of each child. What will I do with one more person in the house? How will the other kids feel about the new baby? Will this child like sleep as much as I do? Yes, this new personality is unpredictable and extremely special.
Not knowing the gender of my baby has been more challenging than I thought. With the baby almost due I would normally feel settled on a name by now, but that is something I cannot control at this point. We have a list and top choices. A part of me feels less connected to him or her, but at the same time I feel really connected. It is a strange feeling. Gender defines so much of an identity, right down to the name. I thought I would be more anxious about knowing what I was having, but I feel quite calm. Several people think it is a girl, including my daughter. She already refers to the baby as a she and I have to keep telling her that it could be a he. All I get in response is a grin and ,"No mommy, I want it to be a girl." I wonder if she has a gut feeling about this?
I think about labor and how I want it to be this time. This is the first time I have very little expectations for it to be like any of my other births. The last couple of times I expected a birth as easy as the one with my second child, but that has not really happened. This time I just want it to be a peaceful, loving experience. I am trying not to be stressed out about what to do with my four other kids. What if it is a quick labor and they just happen to be at our house? Would that be so bad? Could I focus on birthing a child with some of my kids racing around the house fighting in the background? I want to be mentally prepared for anything, but who can really know? All I know is I am thankful for the work my body has been able to do in the past during labor and I pray for strength to enjoy going through it over again.
And when this beautiful child appears I know we will find a way to add him and her into our lives as if we had always had this baby around. I look forward to meeting you baby...hopefully not too soon. One more week until it is safe to have a homebirth. Then I can finally relax. In the meantime, it is time to iron sheets and baby blankets. I still cannot believe I get to give birth again.
I think it's a girl too... ;) Yay for being so close!
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