With every single pregnancy I have experienced a season of questioning my ability to parent. When I was pregnant with my first child it was more straight forward. Could I even be a parent at all. I was going to be twenty-three when my first son Joel was born. I felt treated as a glorified teen pregnant woman at the time, even though this was not the case. Yes, I have always looked very young for my age, but I just wanted to feel an acceptable age to parent a child. Most of my parenting questions revolved around how others saw me instead of how I felt about myself.
By the time I was pregnant with my second child I did not have enough time to deal with feeling horribly judged. Now not only was I a "young" mom, but I could not keep myself from getting pregnant again. Joel was only five months old when I found out I was pregnant again. The question was, why was a smart girl like me not using birth control?...or maybe it was, those stupid non-white people having way too many children (if I were to be judged by strangers). Adding to this was my own guilt in not using my fabulous French literature degree. If I was having two kids so young, would I ever have a career?
It took me two years after the birth of my second child to attempt to recover from the shock of becoming a parent. Oh and the main parenting skills are not to bad until one's children turn two and half. Up until then they are sweet loving bundles of perfection (not exactly, but way less work). I spent my recovery years learning how to enjoy being isolated in an American culture that disrespects stay at home moms. Instead of feeling judged all the time I set to work on writing manuscripts in my spare time. I wrote two books before I got pregnant again. Looking into publishing my work was another story. I love the writing part, but not the promoting part. As one can tell sales takes confidence and I was still struggling with this.
Also, in my two years without a pregnancy I worked on creating a family schedule where our house would be cleaned once a week. I would stay on track of things like laundry. Then I learned to cook more things than I had bothered to try and make in the past. Cooking is a great way to get out artistic frustrations and still provide something for the entire family. I cut out almost all the processed foods I could. All our cookies would be homemade, meals are too, and the only things I buy packaged these days are Annie's bunny crackers, yogurt, some breads, and pasta. If I could grow a good tomato crop I would make all my own sauce, but I buy this too. There are times when I need to get more in a box, but my general daily shopping excludes prepackaged goods. Every year I have a goal to make more from scratch and learn some kind of useful skill like canning or growing veggies. These are things our culture has lost by working around the clock to prove one's identity is worthwhile.
When I found out I was pregnant for the third time, I had actually started to think about having another child. For someone who had been pregnant three months into marriage and the five months after giving birth, this was a breakthrough. Having my third child felt natural to me. Plus, I was still young, but twenty-six seemed like a more respectable age to have a baby. I struggled with the idea of not having enough hands to keep track of all my children, but this was the most seamless soon to be a parent of three crisis ever.
Baby four was similar to baby three. I had already decided I wanted a fourth child while I was pregnant with my third. I even wanted a girl when I found out my third was a boy. Having two boys and two girls has made me feel so blessed because I get to see so many different personalities. I always wanted a sister and my husband thought about the idea of having a brother. Being from families of two kids it has been great to see a mix of brothers and sisters.
Now here I am in the midst of freak out 101 for a mother of five. There were things I thought would work with four kids that just might not with five. My oldest is going to be six and even though I was homeschooling him last year, I do not see how this will work with basically three other babies to take care of. After an emotional battle, we have decided to put him in a small Christian school. I do not know what we will do after this, but for now compromise has been important. It is strange to think that even with one kid at school I will still be home with four, just like I am now. Crazy.
I am also struggling a lot with the fact that I have been pregnant within eight months post birth two times now. I had this amazing natural break last time and this time I was hoping for another. With all my research on birth control, I am still not sure if there is a compromise there. I am not sold on the fact that all women should have children all the time, but there is an aspect of mystery in it all. God gives us gifts at different times for a reason. I cannot imagine my life without any of my children. The choice to have children in God's timing is a struggle just about all the time and I have not found the perfect answer. Maybe this does not exist.
In any case, being a parent is a gift. What I forget often is how much I learn from each child. Every single one is different and my parenting grows and changes. I also have to constantly remind myself that parenting is not about being the perfect parent, but trying to do my best. Perfect parents do not exist. Loving parents do. I feel like I fail in some aspects of my parenting every day, but I know I am not alone. God's grace gets me through.
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